Control is rooted in fear and based upon a deception. That deception is the belief that people can control other people. It’s just not true. Oh, I don’t mean others can’t compel me to do things. A really big guy could get me to eat boiled squash if he wanted to, but that’s not the kind of control I’m talking about. I’m talking about my inner life. And yours. How I’m doing today is not something that anyone on this planet has any control over. And I cannot control how anyone else is doing.
The first implication of this truth is that I am responsible for how I’m doing. Me. No one else. My decisions, emotions, attitudes, outlook – I am responsible for every bit of it. When I really embrace this reality it removes the weapon of blame from my arsenal entirely. If I am unhappy, it is not my parent’s fault, or my spouse’s fault (not that it ever would be babe!), or my kids’, or my boss’, or the church, or the guy that cut in front of me in traffic. No one has the power to make me unhappy except me. Unless I give them that power. Now why would I do that? Why would I give away my responsibility for how I’m doing to someone else? It’s simple. If I’m responsible for me, if I can’t blame someone else, then the need to pursue transformation is mine. If the responsibility is mine, then I am responsible. Blaming others is easier, so we give our responsibility away and in doing so give others control over us that they really don’t have. Do this for a few decades and you will find that the thought that others might not actually have the power over you they seem to have will seem quite ludicrous.
The second implication of this truth is that I am not responsible for how others are doing. You are responsible for you. I am not. If you are unhappy it is not my job to fix it. If you are headed down a destructive path it is your path and the outcome is not in my hands. Your problems are not my problems. My anxiety or worry on your behalf is not helpful. When I embrace this truth the weapon of control is removed from my arsenal entirely. I have no need to control you through guilt, manipulation, anger, passive aggression, dramatic emotion. If you are not responsible for how I’m doing why would I need to? If I am not responsible for how you’re doing, then what could I possibly hope to gain through such tactics? When I embrace this truth I am no longer free to dodge my need to deal with my own issues by choosing to be consumed or controlled by yours.
This way of seeing things is quite powerful. No matter the prison on the outside, you are free to be ok on the inside. Regardless of your circumstances, you can be at peace, experience joy, and know love. As long as you believe one person can control another, you will never have this power.
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10 Comments
The realization of these truths becomes evident as one gets older. Old age masks itself as wisdom because our body’s lack the speed with which to react to the mind’s desire to have a “knee jerk” response to a perceived affront. It is this lack of ability to physically react that causes an older individual to assess whether getting upset or angry is truly worth the effort to do so. Wisdom says it’s never worth it to give such control to another, but we can thank our physical inabilities to react swiftly for prompting us to actually stop for a moment and think.
Love it!
I so get this, and I so needed a reminder of this.
My favorite part of this post is…
“Unless I give them that power.” I tend to give my power away far more than I realize.
Thank you for this post. I really needed this today with all that has been going on in my world lately. I am thankful that God sends me what I need just when I need it…from places/people when I least expect it. How great is our God.
Loved this post Alan! A great reminder…I needed to hear this today.
This is a great word!
Awesome and great timing, Thanks!
Excellent reminder Alan, thank you! Haunts of Maya’s poem “I know why the caged bird sings” http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/Maya_Angelou/13474
I’ve greatly appreciated your words and reminders in these posts. So crazy how we can spend a lifetime building our own cages and captivity, and it’s our own doing. Obviously with an Enemy who cheers at every new weld of the cage. But the amazing freedom I’ve experienced in just the past 2 years after 28 years of living captive is a testimony of God’s love and power, insert all my notes from the “Levels of Change” class here… 8oD
Alan,
This message is solid. I needed a fresh reminding of this as well. “The choice is ours.” Whether we go left or right(Christ). The choice made, is ours. Wow, look at how far that approach spreads. Get it right. Keep it Christ.
Blessings
No matter the prison on the outside, you are free to be ok on the inside. Regardless of your circumstances, you can be at peace, experience joy, and know love. As long as you believe one person can control another, you will never have this power. AMEN!
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Well, I think I found the main sticking point in why we try to blame and control others:
“The first implication of this truth is that I am responsible for how I’m doing. Me. No one else. My decisions, emotions, attitudes, outlook – I am responsible for every bit of it.”
We instinctively want to shift the blame. You don’t have to explain the use of “I don’t know” and “Not me” to a toddler. Their self protection mode, which is faulty, tells them to duck. Until we understand ourselves through God’s love we won’t be able to accept the full responsibility for ourselves. The most incredible thing is that His love is unlimited and He will continue to love us until we can understand your statement.