Reading your post, Romans 8:3-13 screams out at me. I believe Paul is making it distinctively clear that either you are in the flesh or in the Spirit… there is no in-between.

Check out the following verses in Romans 8:

5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.

6 For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.

7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot.

8 Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.

It is just like you said, we cannot serve two masters. If you think you can serve two masters, you are wrong. Paul lets you know quite clear on how that is going to turn out.

Mila,

I too have been struggling with this. In my heart, I feel like I have give my heart and my life over to God, then I do something or say something that leads me to beleive I have not. In fact, the Holy Spirit has really been pressing on my heart that I need to finally submit completely. It’s not that I don’t want to submit, but I come from a lineage of strongholds and curses many of which have really just come to the forefront. As much as I would like to be healed and totally free right this minute, the Holy Spirit isn’t going to reveal everything to me all at once because as I am seeing I would not be able to handle it all. However, that does not mean I should not be committing my whole heart and whole life to HIm right how. So, I have been in prayer and asking God to show me where and why I continue to hold onto certain parts of my life.

My pastor once said, His wife was saved at a very young age and led a pretty Christ filled life all of her life. She has sin in her life, but nothing that compares to his. His life and experiences because of his choices exposed him to a lot of things that his wife would not even imagine trying. Therefore, she sometimes can’t understand why he would do or thing certain things or why he kept doing them. That made a lot of sense to me because some of the choices I made consistantly come back to my mind and convict me. I know many of my decisions and choices in life are based on my life experiences which tend to be more worldly because of my experiences in life. So, someone who was saved young and has pretty much only experienced a life walking with Christ is submitted while some are able to read the Word and apply the Word to their life and even with their life experiences can say, “Lord, here I am take me,” and walk their life in HIs path.

Just like you, I have been very frustrated with my walk with the Lord because I feel like I have completely surrendered, but I know it is not. I had to really sit down and take an inventory of my life as a Christian. I found that although I do read the Bible, I don’t make it a priority. I found that I pray constantly, but I don’t always stop and wait and listen to God. I pray and off I go. I listened to a sermon by Dr. Charles Stanley called, “The God to Whom We Pray” driving to work. And, he said some things in this message that struck a cord. I had been asking the Holy Spirit to show me areas in my life where I was not completely submitted, and I ask Him to show me what I needed to do to submit those areas. Was I not confessing, was I not following His leading, what was I missing. Well, He brought me this sermon.

In this message he said: As long as you refuse to trust Him, you cannot have an intimate relationship with Him because intimacy is total openness, total surrender, and total willingness. You see, a person will not surrender their heart to God because they don’t trust Him. There is no amount of money, prestige, or power that can take the place of God. We are designed to love Him and be loved by Him. It was the total openness, total surrender, and total willingness that stuck with me. The God that I say I love and trust created the Universe. This is the God who is absolutely faithful to every single one of His promises. This is the God of Abram, Isaac, and Jacob. This is the God who loves us. This is the God of grace. This is the God in whose presence everything everywhere is in the presence of this God. This is the awesome God of mankind. Our image of God determines how we relate to Him, so it is vitally important that we know the truth about our Heavenly Father. This is the God that every knee will bow too.

I sat in my car, and I thought to myself, “you know all these things, you have heard all these things (in different ways) hundreds of times, so why is this tugging at your heart now?” Oh yea, you asked the Holy Spirit to show you why you weren’t totally committed to Him. Duh! I realized that I just was not trusting Him with everything. I was making excuses and saying I just needed more freedom. I was just going about my day doing what I do and most of the time not including Him in my thoughts and decisions in everything. I loved Him, I trusted in Him, but I didn’t put my trust in His hands. I was still just going about my day doing things without any thought to God, just doing them. I have now started keeping my focus on Him each minute. I even think of Him while I am working and talking on the phone with my clients. I think of Him as I walk across the hall to the bathroom, all the while I am driving to and from work. I think of Him while I am going to sleep, and I am trying to wake up thinking about HIm, but the babies cries are taking precedence, but as soon as I know she is being cared for, my thoughts immediately shift to Him.

I still don’t feel like I have totally committed every area of my life to Him, so I wait on Him to show me where I am still not making Him first in my life. So, the best thing I can tell you is that it is not something that may come as easy to you as my pastor’s wife, but if you ask Him, He will show you. And, then it is up to you (you know that whole CHOICE thing) whether you are going to say, Father, here I am. The truth is that it is not that you can’t, it’s that you aren’t ready to give up whatever it is that is keeping you from walking in complete trust and relationship with Him. I know because I was doing the exact same thing. I was crying out telling everyone that I could not hear God, I didn’t feel close to HIm, and I felt like I needed someone to give me that magic plan to just get there. All the while, it was me not letting go of me.

You may want to listen to Charles Stanley’s message. (It’s a two parter) http://www.intouch.org/site/c.cnKBIPNuEoG/b.4943225/k.9234/Audio_Archives.htm
http://www.intouch.org/site/c.cnKBIPNuEoG/b.4943225/k.9234/Audio_Archives.htm

It’s so full of rich meat that I actually typed it out word for word for myself. I can email if you like a hard copy.
tmoprays@yahoo.com

I am going to be praying for you that God reveals Himself to you in a way that will make you want to run into His arms and say, I give you my all Father. I can tell you in the past few months since I have been praying for God to really show me wehre I was not submitting that my life has changed, and I desire to know more and more about Him. I was already on that path, but now it’s like magnified like lightening struck me. So, my prayers are with you, God wants to meet with you in a new way, and it’s up to you to choose now.

Blessings,
Tina Marie

Surrendering is not a one time thing, its a constant process.