John Eldredge, in his book The Way of the Wild Heart explains the developmental progression all men experience from boyhood to maturity. Not all men experience this progression in a healthy way. He points out that there are two key questions asked by the heart of every man, answered during childhood and adolescence, which, if not answered positively, lie near the root of most issues men face.
The first question “Am I loved?” is the key question during childhood. The second question “Do I have what it takes?” emerges during adolescence. A fathers role in determining how these questions are answered cannot be overstated. Acceptance and Competence are at the heart of a man’s identity and fathers are designed to impart identity as a man to his sons. When acceptance and competence are not imparted to a man in childhood and adolescence by a present and fully engaged father, rejection and inadequacy grow in the heart of a young man’s sense of self.
Man was made for intimacy – intimacy with God, with a wife, with family, with others. Of course there are levels of intimacy appropriate in each context. Intimacy always makes a demand on a man. Intimacy requires risk. Intimacy requires a man to be fully present and engaged. Intimacy excludes passivity and fear. Though a man is made for intimacy, intimacy requires strength. Strength comes from identity. Identity is all about a firm sense of acceptance that is not performance based and a sense of competence proven in the company of other men, especially a father. When instead of acceptance and competence a man’s identity becomes defined by rejection and inadequacy he has no strength to give. Intimacy is not an option. Intimacy is what he fears. If intimacy demands strength then strength is the one thing a man marked by rejection and inadequacy is convinved he lacks.
But a man still needs intimacy. In a healthy experience of life a man will emerge into adulthood convinced he is both accepted and competent. He will then bring this identity based strength to his marriage and offer his wife the strength imparted to him by his father. His wife will respond to him with respect and love in a life of genuine intimacy. This experience will reinforce his sense of acceptance and competence as a man.
When a man’s identity is distorted through rejection and inadequacy, he brings weakness to the marriage instead of strength. Instead of genuine intimacy, he is unable to fully engage. The wife then is unable to reflect his strength back to him with honor and love. Marriage then can serve to reinforce his rejection and incompetence as a man. A wife will often simply reflect back to the man the identity he brings to the marriage. My friend Bob Hamp says this is exactly what she is designed to do. She is a suitable helper.
When a man whose identity is marked by rejection and inadequacy lives in the fear of intimacy he will still look to get his need for intimacy met. He will still look for something that will make him feel, if even for a moment, accepted and competent. Genuine intimacy with the Father is the only place a man can find and sustain this. Genuine intimacy with a woman is the place this can be supported and reinforced. But genuine intimacy is the thing he fears the most. It demands too much. It exposes his sense of rejection and incompetence. So a man looks for the illusion of intimacy. He looks for the illusion of acceptance and competence.
Pornography and lust provide this illusion of acceptance and competence in the form of digital images. Affairs provide this in the arms of one who accepts and affirms without the demands that come from actually sharing a life together. Isn’t it amazing how once a man leaves his wife for the other woman, that second relationship simply becomes another version of the first? Once the new woman moves from being simply the illusion of intimacy to the reality, once she is no longer simply the greener grass on the other side of the fense and she becomes the field a man must live in, the new woman becomes another opportunity for genuine intimacy, the thing he fears the most.
All of this is rooted in fatherlessness. The answer is not in accountability for men that modifies their behaviors. The answer isn’t in teaching men the techniques and skills of genuine intimacy of body, soul and spirit. The answer isn’t to tell men to try harder and do better. The answer is for men to experience the reality of a Heavenly Father who alone is able to impart true manhood and thereby freedom from the fear of intimacy, freeing them to invest their strength born in true acceptance and proven competence as men in the experience of genuine intimacy.
40 Comments
2010-03-18 09:08:35
Great post!! Tough stuff clearly and simply stated! May we all be Fathered again by God Himself so we can give strength to the next generation.
2010-04-07 19:52:28
Amen!
2010-03-18 09:46:16
Wow, thank you for summing up the root of so many struggles men face today. As i read the 4th paragraph, my father-in-law came to mind, and tears filled my eyes as i realize the work he has done in rasing his son, my husband. I’m greatful and truly blessed. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and explaining what seems so hard to understnad and deal with in every day life for so many men and married couples.
God bless you,
Nora
2010-04-07 19:53:24
Nora,
So cool that this post could inspire that kind of gratitude in you. What a blessing!
Alan
2010-03-18 12:17:56
Excellent…
2010-04-07 19:54:07
Jon Paul,
Your economy of words is inspiring.
Thanks for always reading and encouraging!
Blessings,
Alan
2010-03-18 12:45:32
This one touches the heart. Thank you Alan.
2010-04-07 19:54:39
You are welcome. Thanks for letting me know how this impacted you.
Blessings,
Alan
2010-03-18 12:56:42
I needed this perspective today – THANKS!
2010-04-07 19:55:14
That’s very cool to know Aja. Thanks!
Blessings,
Alan
2010-03-18 13:14:50
Wow! If more men could truly grasp this truth it would start a revival for marriages and families. Several family members were brought to mind that could benefit from this. I thank my Heavenly Father for blessing me with a husband who walks intimately with me through life, for I recognize it is rare to find.
2010-04-07 19:56:45
Hi Julie!
So thankful to hear how God has blessed you. Thanks for sharing!
Blessings,
Alan
2010-03-18 13:55:38
Great news! He is the father to the fatherless and there are so many of our generation who are fatherless (whether physically, emotionallly, spiritually or all three). This is a true and awesome revelation that revolutionizes men and marriages and homes when it is applied. I know from experience.
Thanks for sharing and challenging, Alan.
2010-04-07 19:57:26
Kisha,
Thank you for reading and commenting. It means a lot.
Blessings,
Alan
2010-03-18 14:16:37
Good post. Sounds to me like you took the handoff of sonship and you are taking it on downfield for the score.
2010-04-07 19:58:04
…and I have an end zone dance all choreographed too!
2010-03-18 17:41:24
Excellent. Far too many of us have tried to find freedom through trying harder instead of giving up control, creating artificial barriers instead of surrendering, rigid rules instead of trusting God, intellectual pursuit instead of heart change, stricter legalism instead of accepting grace, and self discipline (is that even possible?) rather than through hearing God’s truth about who we were created and redeemed to be.
2010-04-07 19:59:05
Thanks for reading Michael. And for commenting too!
By the way…do I owe you a referral letter of some kind? I seem to have lost the request. Resend it and I’ll get’r'done.
Blessings,
Alan
2010-03-18 18:30:43
OMG this is a great post & I forwarded this to so many people I know already. Reminded me of our conversation/session almost 8 months ago. YOU ROCK!
2010-04-07 19:59:51
No. YOU ROCK.
Sure do miss you around here.
Blessings,
Alan
2010-03-18 20:28:44
I think Michael B summed it up perfectly. I’ll add takes a hungry man to admit weakness, inadequacy,fear etc.
2010-04-07 20:00:35
Johnny,
Thanks for reading. And thanks for agreeing with Michael. It helps him.
Alan
2010-03-18 22:50:01
Alan,
I have seen this in action in my brother’s life. The Father taught him to be a husband and a Father and the fruit is seen in how he treats his wife and his sons. Imtimacy requires men to “man up”. Nothing is more attractive to a woman then a man who is not afraid of imtimacy.
Awesome words.
2010-04-07 20:01:51
Karen,
Your brother is a great inspiration and example to a lot of men. I pray God will give us a lot more like him.
Thanks for reading and sharing.
Blessings,
Alan
2010-03-20 17:45:42
Alan, I am deeply touched by your clear words and wisdom concerning this fundamental place so much life is lived from. This deficit has taken a lot from our family. I’m grateful sometimes just to know others understand. Praying for my man and for so many who need re-Fathering.
2010-04-07 20:03:58
Hi Colleen,
So glad these words touched your heart. It’s such a huge issue. I’m believing with you!
Blessings,
Alan
2010-03-23 18:44:32
great truth! this calls for a revival for all familites around the world most especially among Christians: we have the greatestDad ever…even if our human Dads fail.
2010-04-07 20:04:39
Phebe,
Thanks for reading and sharing!
Blessings,
Alan
2010-03-24 08:54:08
Well said. Certainly makes me think about times when feelings of insecurity are causing a strain in my relationships. It reminds me where I need to go to find acceptance and to be given the strength to overcome personal fears.
2010-04-07 20:05:50
Barry,
So good for all of us to be reminded where our source of acceptance and strength really come from.
Thanks for reading and sharing!
Alan
2010-04-02 22:18:21
“And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free …”
This frees women as well as men, Alan. I’m glad you shared it here. I’m going to link to it from my blog!
Blessings.
2010-04-07 20:06:28
Michelle,
I think this post is so significant for both men and women. Thanks for sharing it!
Blessings,
Alan
2010-04-11 22:44:44
Hello Allan,
Wow powerful insight. A man I have been dating for 3 months just broke up with me. The disagreement we had I believe is a non issue and we could have compromised. However when we were having the disagreement I saw Red Flags everywhere. I sincerely believe he is avoiding emotional intimacy. How do you get to 55, never married, no friends and family lives in Midwest and you visit them once a year. Truly my heart goes out to this tortured soul and I pray for God in his life every day. I know I desire emotional intimacy in a relationship.
Blessings, Shelley
2010-05-03 00:30:15
this post is very usefull thx!
2010-05-03 02:51:41
great post as usual!
2011-01-30 10:31:12
Alan thank you so much for providing clarity in an area in which I struggle immensely. My father has never engaged me fully and as a result I’ve turned to the illusion of pornography offering this artificial intimacy. Now I know that I have a FATHER who loves me and has made me fit for life and with that I can now be freed to engage intamacy w/o reproach or timidity.. Thank You Again
2011-09-16 16:25:18
Must have been written at a time when you replied to people’s comments
Kairos and Bob’s “Freedom From Rejection” class really opened my eyes to how I need to tweak my fathering of my step son. This post confirms what those events taught me. Men need to get this in them if they ever want their sons to be in healthy relationships. Thanks for the fresh reminder.
2011-09-16 22:19:59
You are welcome! If this post makes a difference in how you pour into your step-son, then I can’t think of better fruit that could come from it. Blessings to you!
2011-09-17 15:13:45
Well, that explains a lot! Lord, heal these broken vessels to hold your love again..filled..overflowing..in Jesus name,thank you! Now, patiently waiting..watching..praising God for healing.
2012-06-04 16:37:24
Alan,
your words paint a picture of me. I would like to ask how do you go about finding this intimacy, I have trusted in the lord as my savior and pray, study and try to go deeper every day. Whats the key? how do men experience the reality of a Heavenly Father who alone is able to impart true manhood and thereby freedom from the fear of intimacy
also how do you suggest a scorned wife can handle a situation with a man in this condition?
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